“5 Things I Like About Myself” Revisited
More than 2500 times a month, a person on the planet types “5 things I like about myself” into Google and hopes to find something in the results. I know this because over the past two years a lot of them have landed on a personal pump-up blog I wrote called “5 Things I Like About Myself” that ranks well for those keywords.
I think about this a lot.
I know a lot of humans are supplementing their brain with machines in new ways these days, and I have an ocean of compassion for anybody honestly seeking a real way to feel good about themselves, which can be awfully tough and lonely especially during times of challenge, but something doesn’t sit right with me about outsourcing the search for self-esteem to a computer program.
There’s hope I have that the Searchers, who come to Kind & Funny from all over the globe, are inspired to undertake the exercise I describe in the blog (set a ten minute timer and write down 50 nice things about yourself). Sometimes I wonder if the things I like about myself reflect back a thread the Searcher can follow to discover a little more of their own self-worth. And occasionally I worry that people are just copying answers to fill out some kind of assignment without ever finding a personal truth.
What I hope most, though, is that even in the wilds of the internet the Searcher finds comfort in the shared human experience that it can be tough for all of us to feel good about ourselves all of the time, and it’s just one of those things about life that takes daily effort over time, and that they are most definitely not alone.
Positive self-talk is correlated with lots of improved health outcomes according to meta-analysis by the American Psychological Association, and if the well-shared advice that it takes “5 positive thoughts to counteract 1 negative” is accurate at all, then we need a whole lot of positive reinforcement just to break even on any given day, to say nothing about that daily effort over time.
To me, the most significant thing about the analysis is that it specifies “self-affirmations” as helpful. It doesn’t say compliments, likes, shares, achievements, promotions, bonuses, awards, dogs being excited to see you, children who rely on you, friends who like you, things you buy, tasks you check off, hours you work, or answers that Google tells you that you agree with. It says affirmations that come from you about you.
I am not saying those other things can’t be good too, I’m just saying that there’s a scientifically significant difference between internalized affirmation and externalized affirmation, and that none of us are alone in needing to take on this difficult challenge for ourselves.
For myself, I have a lot of strategies for this, like wearing my lion chain as a talisman whenever I’m feeling low confidence, and making “I love you Jed” a frequent part of my inner monologue.
I also try and cultivate self-esteem in others for situations that I know it helps. For example, when I work with students to prepare to take the SAT exam, which can be a stressful, anxiety-inducing, confidence-wrecking process, I always begin by asking them about a time they felt proud, which helps us tap into their personal strengths and self-esteem that will help carry them through the studying and test-taking.
There was absolutely a time when I would have done anything in my power to force self-esteem upon you by telling you how cool I think you are, but I know that it’s a misguided approach, so what I can do now is give you some permission to say some nice things about yourself, especially if it’s been a while.
If you can think of a time where you felt proud of yourself, even if it’s far in the rearview, even if it seems small right now, I’m sure you’ll start to see some of the personal qualities that helped bring you to that moment. Write them down, and then you’re off and running.
As an added benefit of exercising our own self-compassion, I hope too that we can grow our compassion for others, because if thousands of people a month are asking an inanimate object to explain the beauty and wonder of their own unique humanity, then imagine how many more of us are struggling at any given moment.
And while we can’t force self-esteem on someone else, we can be nice, and kind, and complimentary which, incidentally, are also pretty cool qualities that are easy to like in our own selves.
So, if it’s been a while, set a 10-minute timer and write down 50 things you like about yourself. I’ll be over here with a notebook doing the same.
If you want to talk to me about in-sourcing your self-confidence, I make a great professional sounding board. jed@kindandfunny.com